When I was in high school and college it seemed like every girl was on the pill, even the ones who weren’t have sex.  Most women are familiar with some of the believed benefits of the pill. Unfortunately there’s a decent number of dudes out there who are content with simply not getting a girl pregnant. The fact is guys, beyond reducing the chances of getting pregnant, the pill regulates and sometimes abbreviates a woman’s period, some pills give them clearer skin, most make them less moody, I even dated a girl who liked being on the pill because it made her boobs bigger. And let me tell you, she didn’t have breasts so much as two perfect, beautiful dreams on her chest. But I digress…

The pill, that wonderful little invention that allows women to become as foolishly promiscuous as men recently turned fifty years old. And now, there is a growing concern that the old gal has made women forget their natural biology and body chemistry. It’s hard to argue with the concern that a pill that tricks your body into thinking its pregnant could make a woman disconnected from the actual chemistry of her body. Any prescription that changes the way you think and behave should be viewed with a certain level of critical suspicion. But, I also hate taking Benadryl.

As a result, more and more women are opting to forgo the pill and have their cycles occur naturally. I can’t really blame them either. But as a single male who has been running into more and more single women who aren’t on the pill I’ve found myself wondering, “why don’t they have a pill for men”?

Magical Boner Pills made by the smurfs at Pfizer

In the next few years it looks like men will have the option of a daily pill, a gel or patch applied to the skin, an injection every three months, or implants placed under the skin every 12 months as forms of contraception. These new male contraceptives will increase men’s testosterone and progestin levels, turning off sperm production; similar to how the female pill raises a woman’s estrogen levels in order to stop the production of eggs.

Do men want to take the pill? Can men be trusted to take the pill? Maintaining a reasonably clean living situation, avoiding overdraft fees, and communicating completely in ‘bro-speak’ for days on end is not the same as avoiding child support checks and baby mama drama. But my generation also let George W. Bush get a second term, so…

The male pill has had several trial runs and a handful of colorful side effects including headaches, night sweats, weight gain, acne (troublesome), and most troublesome (at least in my eyes) decreased sexual desire. It seems kind of ludicrous that the male pill would make men not want to have sex, although that’s definitely a sound contraceptive method.

Armed with the bit of knowledge I gleaned from the internet on the male pill, one afternoon I decided to put the question to my roommates: will you be lining up for a prescription for male contraceptives?

*In order to protect their privacy I have renamed all of my roommates after American Presidents

Martin Van Buren said that if given the option he would go for the implants.

Big surprise.

When I asked Van Buren to explain his choice he said that he would rather not have to worry about taking a pill every day. Plus, “this chic that [he] used to bang had IUD or something and she said she liked it.”

pretty amazing daguerreotype of Old No.7

Andrew Jackson was staunchly against male hormonal contraception for himself. As he rolled a joint and admitted to his own brazen chauvinism, Jackson said that he was wary of “altering his body chemistry”. Puffing, he continued to explain how he started masturbating when he was five years old and that if forced he would take a hormonal contraceptive option over a vasectomy.

Grover Cleveland, however, concerned about some of the potential side effects. “So you’re telling me that this pill will make me shoot blanks but I’ll also have to get a supply of Proactive? All of these side effects sound like they’ll just stop you from getting laid in the first place.” However, he reluctantly said he would probably go for the daily pill. “Every woman I ever dated was on the pill. It looked easy enough” he started, “but it’s not like any of this male contraception will protect us from an STD.”

A commotion ensued.

“Why can’t the male pill make your dick bigger?” shouted Grover.

“Wearing a condom is like putting a plastic bag over your head to go watch a movie!” Van Buren blurted out.

“Exactly.” Jackson responded, pointing emphatically at Van Buren and Cleveland like they were the Cherokee, Chickasaw, Choctaw, Muscogee-Creek, and Seminole that one time. “If the male pill made it so I didn’t ever have to wear a condom that would be great, but it doesn’t. So thanks for nothing.”

After the rabble died down, all of my presidential roommates agreed that female contraception is great. I guess they heard about the whole bacon boobs thing.

Would that our real Founding Fathers were here to guide us through this moral, ethical, and social dilemma. For now I guess we’ll just have to pick our poison, pull the plastic bag over our heads and try to enjoy the movie.

This summer, Nic Cage stars in…A House Divided